I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
