when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
