I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
