you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
