Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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