Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
