I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
