Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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