I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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