My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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