Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
