You were right. It hurts to walk today.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
