i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
