I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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