My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
