i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
