Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
