I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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