Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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