fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
