I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
