the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
