Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
