kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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