look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
