so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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