Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
