This is not my ceiling
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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