i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Randomize
