Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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