just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
