I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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