Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
