My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
