I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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