thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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