I wish you could order shots online.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
