you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
