she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
