k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
worst night to have a conscience
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
