After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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