Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
