I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
