Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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