Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
