Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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