Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
