There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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