Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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