you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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