i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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