Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
